Sunday, 10 July 2011

Almost there....

I'm coming up to the anniversary of my light-bulb moment.  The moment I realised my drinking wasn't something I could take or leave.  That I was, in fact, an alcoholic.  I know the signs, I grew up with alcoholics, so why I didn't notice it in me until it was too late I don't know.

It's not been an easy four years.  Not a day has passed where I've not wanted to have a drink.  The first year was actually the easiest, because I did it for my friends who had proven they liked me and loved me for who I was, and proved it by helping me through the first year, by making me go out, by making me laugh and smile and feel like I mattered and was important to them.  The last year has been the hardest, the reasons why go without saying.

The last three weeks have been almost impossible.  Every time I am in a shop, I think about buying some vodka or some bottles of beer.  I resent Gremlin for still breastfeeding, so on the evenings I've been alone I can't get flat-out drunk (no bad thing really).

I know this will pass, but it has never been as solid a feeling for as long before, and I'm becoming irrational, paranoid and just not nice to be around (and that is a vicious circle to be in).  I want to be the person I become when I am drinking.  I like that person, that person is fun and funny and not sad and depressed and such a drag to be around.

1 comment:

  1. Maybe you should ask your friends what you were actually like when drunk. My partner has an alcoholic friend and I hate it when he's drunk. As I don't drink because of my medication I do know how you feel. I too sometimes wish for that short holiday from holding it all together. But I then get together with my friends and laugh myself silly, and it feels better than being drunk. Plus I know I will be able to get up in the morning hangover free and full of memories of the night that would have been hazy if I'd drunk anything. It is hard, but you can do it, you have been doing it for four years and that is an amazing achievement. You should be proud.


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